Is It a Heart Attack or Just Grief?

I learned my dad had terminal cancer in 2015. By the time he passed in 2016, I was already deep in grief. And my grief controlled my life for years after that.

I expected the sadness, the tears. I knew that my hours of endlessly scrolling through old photos were normal, but I was so unprepared for all the other sneaky ways grief showed up in my life.

There was one time that my husband and I took our daughters to PetSmart to pick out some new fish. Now, my dad had been an avid fisherman, but I didn’t think that standing among the goldfish and bettas would make me think of him.

I was wrong.

Standing around the fish, even though they were so tiny, triggered my grief something large. Next thing I knew, I was spiraling, and my arms were numb and tingling. I had to leave and sit in the car while my family picked out our new fish.

These panic attacks were nothing new to me by then. And every time, it felt like I was having a heart attack.

The Physical Side of Grief

Grief doesn’t just live in your heart. It messes with everything from your appetite to your brain. For me, grief looked like full-body exhaustion, panic attacks that felt like heart attacks, and severe health anxiety—something science actually backs up.

And when your body’s falling apart, managing the emotional side of grief gets even harder. I was constantly on edge, just waiting for the next bad thing to happen. It wasn’t until I got my grief under control and recognized the signs of a panic attack that I was able to live my life without being controlled by anxiety.

Health Anxiety Is a Feedback Loop in Our Brain

Our brains aren’t that great at differentiating between grief and something like a stroke or heart attack. If we experience a trigger—like those fish did for me—our brain jumps to the worst-case scenario, and then our grief decides to throw in some tight shoulders and stomach pain to really spice things up and make things difficult.

Health Anxiety Can Show Up in Every Little Moment

After I lost my dad, I felt like crap all the time. It was like my body forgot how to function while my brain was painfully aware of how fragile life was. My dad’s diagnosis showed up after he went to the doctor for minor leg pain. I began to see every small symptom as a life-ending diagnosis.

If I accidentally swallowed my spit down the wrong tube, I would start counting down the hours to my death because surely I was going to drown in my own spit.

It’s so hard to live that way. Living in fight or flight mode, where you see danger in something as small as swallowing, is exhausting.

You’re Not Broken, You’re Simply Grieving

I want to say this very clearly: You’re not crazy for having these thoughts. You’re grieving, and grief can show up in all sorts of strange and uncomfortable ways. What’s important is learning your triggers and understanding how grief shows up in your life.

Cancer is a huge trigger for me. I lost my dad to cancer, and have had other family members battle it as well. Because of this, I avoided going to the dentist for years so I wouldn’t have to get the scan for oral cancer. Even now, when I go to the doctor’s office, I need multiple readings for my heart rate and blood pressure as my anxiety throws off the readings.

How Do We Manage Health Anxiety?

1. Name It.
   It sounds simple, but simply naming it can help pause that spiral. It can be as simple as saying, “Oh, that’s just my grief talking,” or “That’s health anxiety.” I named my anxiety Frankie, so whenever I start to feel those anxious thoughts creeping in, I can tell my husband, “Frankie’s here,” and he knows to jump in and offer support.
2. Get Out of Your Head and Into Your Body.
   When you start to notice those early signs of a spiral, it can be helpful to ground yourself in your body and get out of your head. Try stretching, going for a walk, taking a shower, or pointing out five things you can see, smell, and hear.
3. Let Your Anxiety Visit, But Don’t Let It Stay.
   I had a therapist tell me once that you can let your anxiety visit and tell you what it needs to. Anxiety’s just trying to warn us about danger, even when it’s not real. And most of the time, it’s not, but when we listen, we can work through what it’s telling us. As soon as it’s told us what it needs to say, it’s time to kick it out again.
4. Find Support.
   Find someone who just gets it. Maybe it’s a friend, a support group, or a therapist. I am a huge advocate for therapy. Being able to talk to a stranger and just put it all out on the table without the fear of being judged is so freeing. It can be incredibly uncomfortable, but overcoming that discomfort is so worth it. Therapy is what helped me work my way out of my own grief fog.
5. Find Humor.
   Sometimes, finding something to laugh about is exactly what you need to breathe again. Before my dad passed away, I had a coworker who had lost her father. She told me that she referred to her dad’s death anniversary as Dead Dad Day, and at the time, I was so taken aback. I didn’t know how she could disrespect her dad like that or find humor in something awful, but now that I’ve gone through it, I get it.

So, unclench your jaw, drink some water, stop Googling your symptoms, and take some deep breaths. You deserve a life where you’re truly living and happy, even after experiencing grief.

Grief is hard. Health anxiety is hard. But, they don’t have to run the show.

🎧 Want to hear the full episode?
Listen to Grief Unfiltered: Is It a Heart Attack or Just Grief? wherever you get your podcasts.
📘 Want more support?
Check out my course, Befriend Your Grief, for tools, stories, and the community you need when grief feels like too much.