Unexpected vs. Anticipated Grief: Which Hurts More? (Spoiler: Both)

Let’s talk about two types of grief that show up in completely different ways but leave equally deep marks: unexpected loss and anticipated loss.

You might think one is “easier.” Maybe you’ve heard people say, “At least you got to say goodbye,” or “At least it was quick.” But here’s the truth:
There is no easy version of grief. All loss is loss.

I’ve lived through both—losing people in the blink of an eye, and losing people slowly, painfully, over time. And I want to talk about what each one feels like, because unless you’ve been there, it’s hard to truly understand.

Sudden Loss Feels Like the Ground Disappearing

When someone dies suddenly, there’s no time to prepare. No goodbye. No warning.

It hits like an earthquake. One minute, you’re just going about your day. The next, your whole world is “before” and “after.”

I still remember the exact moment I found out my coworker Justin passed away. I was working from home, totally unaware that my day—and my heart—were about to crack wide open. One phone call. That’s all it took. I couldn’t breathe. Couldn’t think. My body went into panic mode, and suddenly I was the one who had to break the news to others. It was chaos. It was heartbreak. It was disbelief.
Same with my cousin. My dad called and dropped the news mid-conversation like a bomb. I thought he was going to tell me a fishing story. Instead, he told me she was gone.

That’s what sudden loss does.
It’s disorienting. Shocking. And it often comes with trauma wrapped inside the grief—because it’s not just the absence that hurts, it’s the way it happens.

Anticipated Loss Is a Slow, Painful Goodbye

When you know a loss is coming, people assume it’s easier. That it gives you time to prepare.

Let me just say this: it doesn’t hurt less. It just hurts differently.

My dad had stage 4 cancer. From the moment he told me, my world started shifting. I was grieving before he was even gone. That’s called anticipatory grief—and it’s very real.

Watching him decline broke me in a whole different way. He was strong. A tough, hardworking mechanic with a heart of gold. But chemo, radiation, and pain wore him down. He lost his voice, his strength, his appetite, and eventually… himself.

We got to say goodbye.
We got a beautiful final week with him—laughing, joking, saying everything we needed to say. I’ll never forget the tear that rolled down his cheek when I told him it was okay to go.
But none of that made the grief easier.
If anything, it added new layers of heartbreak.

So, Which One Is Harder?

Honestly? Neither.
They’re both brutal. They just ask different things from us.

Sudden loss is filled with shock, trauma, and unanswered questions.
Anticipated loss is layered with exhaustion, caretaking, and watching someone fade in real time.

One hits you all at once.
The other drains you slowly.
Both can bring guilt, confusion, loneliness, and heartbreak.

And both deserve compassion.

What Helped Me Cope (Spoiler: Not “At Least” Comments)

If you’ve ever said or heard:

• “At least it was quick.”
• “At least you got to say goodbye.”
• “Everything happens for a reason.”

…Please stop. I know people mean well, but these comments minimize the pain and make grief feel like something to compare or compete with.

Grief is not a pissing contest.

Instead of “at least,” what I needed was space.
Space to cry. Space to laugh. Space to share stories.
And people who could sit with me in the mess without trying to fix it.

Final Thoughts

If you’re grieving right now—whether it was sudden or slow—your grief is valid.

You don’t have to choose which kind hurts more.
You don’t have to justify how you feel.
You just have to be real with it. That’s where healing begins.

And if you’re supporting someone through grief, remember:
Don’t try to fix it. Don’t compare. Just be there.

Grief isn’t about timelines or tidy endings.
It’s about love. And love doesn’t go away just because someone does.

🎧 Want to hear the full episode?
Listen to Grief Unfiltered: Unexpected vs. Anticipated Grief wherever you get your podcasts.

📘 Want more support?
Check out my course, Befriend Your Grief, for tools, stories, and the community you need when grief feels like too much.

We’re not meant to do this alone.