The holidays have a way of magnifying everything—joy, love, connection—but also absence, loneliness, and longing. For those of us who are grieving, November and December can feel less like a “most wonderful time of the year” and more like walking through a minefield of memories.

Every commercial, every Christmas carol, every family gathering can stir up a mix of emotions—love for the memories you shared, pain for what’s missing, and guilt for wanting to feel joy again. The truth is, the holidays just aren’t the same after loss, and that’s okay.

The Empty Chair at the Table

You might find yourself looking at an empty seat that once held the person who made the room feel whole. Maybe it’s your dad who carved the turkey, your mom who sang off-key carols, your partner who always hung the lights, or your child who tore open presents with pure excitement.
It’s those small, sacred moments that hit the hardest—the rituals, the traditions, the familiar chaos that feels incomplete without them.

The Anticipation Is Often Worse Than the Day

In my own journey, I found that the days leading up to holidays were often harder than the holidays themselves. The anticipation of the date, the anxiety of facing it again without them, was overwhelming. I’d replay past holidays in my mind, thinking about what I’d give just to relive one more moment, one more laugh, one more “Merry Christmas, love you.”

That buildup of emotion, pressure, and memory is exhausting—and completely normal. Sometimes, giving yourself permission to not “do it all” is the most healing thing you can do.

Redefining Traditions

One of the biggest lessons I’ve learned is that honoring your grief doesn’t mean you have to abandon the holidays—it just means you may need to reimagine them.
That might look like:

• Lighting a candle in your loved one’s memory.
  
  
• Writing them a letter and reading it aloud before dinner.
  
  
• Visiting a special place that reminds you of them.
  
  
• Saying no to gatherings that drain you and yes to quiet nights that bring peace.
  Grief changes the way you move through the world, and it’s okay for it to change your traditions too.
  
  

Giving Yourself Permission to Feel It All

There’s no “right” way to grieve through the holidays. Some moments, you might find yourself laughing genuinely—and the next, crying uncontrollably. Both are valid. Grief and joy can coexist.
You are not dishonoring your loved one by finding moments of happiness. In fact, living fully is one of the greatest ways to honor their life and the love you shared.

A Gentle Reminder

If you find yourself struggling this season, take it one day at a time—or even one moment at a time.
You don’t owe anyone holiday cheer.
You don’t have to pretend.
You don’t have to be “over it.”

The holidays aren’t the same, but they can still hold meaning—just in a new, softer, more intentional way.